


Our true selves II. - Donghyun's pov

by Myfavotps



Category: MXM (Band)
Genre: Angst, Dongpaca, M/M, Romance, YoungDong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 03:46:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14887025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myfavotps/pseuds/Myfavotps
Summary: This fanfic is the continuation of Our true selves I. If you wanted to know the whole story, I would recommend you to read that fic first.





	1. Secrets

**Author's Note:**

> In this part they’re already a couple. Let’s look what will happen to them. I hope you’ll enjoy reading it.
> 
> I would be happy if you wrote me a comment. They really motivate me. Let me know what you think about my fanfic. English isn't my first language so please be patient with me if I made some grammar mistakes.

          2018. spring. Sitting on a bench in front of a fountain I listen to the sound of splashing water and I think it’s almost a perfect spring day....almost....Everything seems calm. Trees wear their pretty green coats proudly. Sun shines as before but some clouds already appeared in the blue sky, but birds sing and children play as if they don’t want to notice the small shadows on the ground and the rising wind. Why am I the only one who feels scared. My whole body is shaking. „Don’t tell me you’re cold.” Youngmin hyung tells me suddenly. „The wind feels cooler....” I say and hug him tighter then before. He embraces me into his light jacket. I cuddle up to his warm chest. I can feel his slow heartbeats, that make me relax too. „Now is it better?” He whispers putting his chin on the top of my head. „Hmmmm...” I nod. I don’t want to spoil the mood with my misgiving. He looks so happy nowadays. He opened a lot of closed doors for me, but I still feel there’s something he doesn’t want to tell me. There’s a locked door that he doesn’t want to open. What can it be in this room? What kind of secret he hide in front of me there. „Let’s go to the station....Your train is here soon, Baby.” he said patting my back gently. „I have already told you not to call me Baby. Don’t forget I’m also a man.” I whines. „I want to call you Baby.” He does aegyo for me. I turn my head away pretending to not hear him. He grabs my arm with both of his hands and shakes it. „Baby....baby????...baby look at me..” How can I resist his charm. I just adore his manly and his cute side too. „Alpakawaii” I pinch his cheek and I can’t stop laughing at him. In this moment I feel as if my all worries disappeared. It’s a perfect day so there’s no need to worry.

*

  
           Some hours later I’m already in my small room at home. Here’s nothing has changed. The books, that I put on the bed at my last visit, are still there. The photos of Daehwi, Woojin , Youngmin and me, is still on my desk. We all looks so happy there. When we took this photo we, hyung and I, weren’t a couple yet. If I told myself then that I was going to be Youngmin’s boyfriend, I wouldn’t believe it. How could things change this much in some months? Despite my room is still the same, I’m not the same boy anymore who is on that photo. How will I lie to my mother if she asks about hyung? How can I hide how much I love and miss him? I really adore my family, they’re my treasure, but now I want to be on two places, here, at home and where he is.  

         „Dear... dinner is ready...come and eat...awww...you’re getting thinner and thinner.” My mum tells me looking at me restlessly. „Don’t worry...I’m fine....just you know I’m an idol...I have to take care of my weight.” I try to calm her down. „How is Taehyun? Did he call you?” She shakes his head sadly. Finally I find a topic that we can talk about. „You know him...he won’t call until there isn’t a problem. So I’m sure he’s okay. He always wanted to go to the army.” I said patting her back gently. „Yes..yes...he’s your opposite. You call me almost every day.....but it’s strange.....nowadays you talk too short. I’m your mother...I know you're hiding something.” She says staring into my eyes and I feel as if she read my mind. „Just...you know I’m too busy...here’s this YDPP project and we prepare our MXM full album, too. I don’t have time to do anything else.” I gabble. „If my son tells me, then I’ll belive it.” She smiles at me. „Come and eat. Your father will get home soon, too.” I nod and she leaves my room. I have gotten away with it this time, but I don’t know how long I can hide it.

  
*

  
          Mum was right dad got home some minutes later. So we have dinner together. „Yeobo, why are you so flustered?” asks my mother from my father, massaging his shoulder. „You know Byungchul, my colleague. He told me that Chanwoo said behind my back he was sure my son was gay, because idols were not real men and they were all homosexual.” He seems so upset as he plucks at his tie. „Just how can my little son be gay?! It’s absurdness!” Mum says and I almost choke. She grips a fork indignantly and stabs the air with it as if she wanted to kill somebody. I start coughing. „Just how...he is not like that.” She looks me as if I were the center of her world. My heart breaks into tiny pieces as I think of the times when she won’t see me such softly. „You’re right, Yeobo. You aren’t like that, are you?” My father asks me staring at me. „Hmm...” I nod then slowly stand up and go to the bathroom. As soon as I close the door behind myself I burst out crying. They’ll be disappointed in me. I wish Youngmin hyung were here with me now. If I listened to his slow heartbeats, I would be calm down. I’ve already missed him even though we were separated only some hours ago.

*

            

          Finally I collected myself to go back to the dinning table. I hope they won’t notice my red eyes. But the mood has changed dramatically. My mother doesn’t look at me, she doesn’t serve me soup as she usually does and she doesn’t chat with my dad. This damn silence again....I hate it. I glance at my phone and I understand everything in the blink of an eye. I forgot to lock my phone screen and Youngmin sent a selfie of us on which we're kissing and the caption says: „I miss you, BABY ;)” I look up despairingly. Did they both see it? My father doesn’t seem strange at all, he eats his dinner as he usually does, but I’m sure my mother knows everything. She avoids the eye contact with me. Now I know how Youngmin hyung felt when I didn’t look at him. It’s awful. I had thought I had a little time before she got to know the true about her adored son. But life is just like this. Sometimes things happen even though we don’t want it.

  
*

  
           We ate our food in silence. Now mum is doing the dishes. I need to talk with her. I have to clarify the situation. I want to tell her that I love Youngmin and it’s not just a passing whim. „Mum.....” I stand behind her holding some dirty plates in my hands. „I love –” „You don’t have to help I’ll do it...” she stops me. „We need to talk t-” „Remind me to buy rice tomorrow....I know you love it.” She doesn’t want to listen to me. It seems she wants to sweep everything under the carpet. „You must be tired...go to your room and rest.” she says forcing a smile over her shoulder. „Mum!!-” I whine. „I told you to go to your room!!!” She shouts at me. I plump the plates down onto the table then rush into my room and slam the door.

*

  
        Now it’s Sunday. Finally I’m on the train back to Seoul, back to Youngmin hyung. He said he was going to wait for me at the station. My days at home were horrible. My mum pretended not to know anything. She behaved as an exemplary wife and mother had to behave. She cooked a lot of foods that I wasn’t able to eat because of my nervous stomach. She washed the clothes, cleaned the whole house even washed the windows, tidied the garden and as a perfect wife, she served her husband, my dad, who seemed to know nothing about my case, but it didn’t surprise me, he never dealt with family problems, his job was always more important than us. So we can say my mum used cleaning as a therapy to calm herself down. Maybe it was good for her, but for me it was like hell. It would have been better if she had cried or fought with me. I still remember Youngmin behaved in the same way. It seems they’re similar to each other.

  
           I stayed in bed and read or wrote lyrics to pass the time while waiting for the travel back. There were hours when I just cried or studied the cracks in the wall. I found out there were two new ones. Hyung called me a lot, but I always avoided to talk with him more than some minutes. I wasn’t able to tell him what had happened between my mother and me. I didn’t want him to blame himself. So I kept this thing to myself. Here’s a new secret, a new locked door.

  
*

  
           Now I’m gazing at the passing landscape through the train window. As the sun is going down I notice more and more clouds in the colorful sky and the wind brings that typical fresh smell of wet grass and earth. I’m sure it’s already raining in Seoul. Seoul.....I hope I’ll be there soon and I can nestle to Youngmin hyung. He’s the only one who can understand me, who knows the real Kim Donghyun.

*

  
          Three.....two....I count down the stops...and here it is the last stop. I get off the train and speed up my steps when I notice him in the crowd. I can’t help giggling as I see how cutely he waits for me. I start running in the last few meters then throw my bag on the floor as I jump into his arms wrapping my legs around his hips. „Finally...you..are here...” He can groan out only that between my countless lingering kisses. „Okayyyy.....okayy....calm down...” He said in the end putting me down. „Look...” he whispers and points to our right side with his head. There’re some girls that look at us with widened eyes. One of them is rummaging in her bag and I know she’s looking for his phone. Hyung doesn’t have to say anything, I understand him. He thinks it might be better if we disappeared. I pick up my bag quickly, put on my mask and lower my head as if I were a criminal. Maybe my mum really thinks what I do is a sin, but I don’t care. I would go to hell because of Youngmin hyung. I always laughed at people whom were made to do foolish things by love, and here I am as foolish as them and I enjoy it. Love makes you do things you never thought you would do it, as if you saw the world through a rose - colored glasses.

          For some minutes those girls were hot on our trail but luckily they lost sight of us as we mingled with the crowd. I hope they didn’t have time to take photos. Finally we leave the station and as I thought it’s raining. Fortunately it’s just a silent spring rain, no lightning, no thunder. Finally it’s dark enough outside so we can walk arm in arm together under an umbrella. „Is everything okay at home?” He asks me suddenly. I’m not able to look into his eyes. „Did they get to know it?” How could he find out? He stops and turns towards me. „You don’t have to tell me anything...I know you...You think I didn’t notice how sad your voice was. Despite you always chatter about your family, you didn’t mention them at all in these few days. I’m not stupid...I know something isn’t okay.” His voice is so gentle. „Do you trust me?” He asks looking into my eyes deeply. „Yeah...” I reply quickly. „Then tell me what happened?” He says and the words just come out of me without thinking as if I opened a tap and the water starts to flow. I tell him every little details. How horrible was being at home. How strange my mum reacted. I talk about everything that come to my mind while walking down the street. „You have to understand your mother’s feeling. She had just gotten to know that her son were together with a man. She must be in shock. She just needs time to accept the fact. Be patient.” He gives me this advice. „And your parents...Did you talk over the things?” I ask carefully. „You won’t believe it..” he starts with bright eyes. „Yesterday my dad came to my room and told me that he always knew I was gay. Just he didn’t find the words to talk about it. He said he and my mother loved me and would always do.” He seems so touched and I envy him for his parents. I’m sure my mum will never accept my decision and my relationship with Youngmin. She hates my sister’s boyfriend too, because she thinks he doesn't match her daughter. Anyway what would the neighborhood say if they knew her son was gay.

           Maybe I’m selfish, but now I would like to deal with my boyfriend only. I tighten my arm around his arm as I cuddle up to his side. „Did you talk about us?” I ask smiling. He hesitates. „Well.... I don't believe it's time to tell them.” He says finally. Our eyes meet and there’s that awkward silence. „It’s okay. We just started to date for four months. I also think it's too early to tell them.” I lie and smile even though it hurts so much. Our relationship isn’t important enough to him to tell his parents. We walk in silence and I think we both feel something is broken between us.....and the rain just falls without stopping.

 


	2. Fragile Trust

They say trust is as fragile as glass, you don’t need to hit hard and it breaks already.

           I’m running towards Starship building to practice Love it Live it choreography as a YDPP member. There’s a lightning then after 30 seconds a huge thunder. I stop. It seems summer storms come sooner than we expected. The sky became dark in half an hour. Birds looked for themselves a shelter. Everything quieted down, only some crying children voices can be heard. They must be frightened. When I was a child I would hug my mum when the storm came. At least they have somebody to cuddle, for me there’s nobody. My mother is far away and she must hate me....and my boyfriend.....well he hugs someone else. I look at them paralyzing. I can’t believe my eyes....it’s Sewoon hyung. Another huge thunder and the rain starts pouring. I can’t move and don’t know whether to laugh or cry. He notices me and pushes Sewoon away. He runs towards me. „What are you doing?! You will catch cold. Come!” he scolds me then grabs my hand and pulls me towards the building. I know I would fight back and challenge him, but I love him too much. Yes...I decided to trust him. There’s must be a good explanation for the situation.

*

  
           Nowadays we’re so busy with the YDPP project and MXM activity too. So I understand Youngmin hyung is tired but it’s strange we didn’t have sex for about a week. Maybe it seems a short time, but when you love someone it feels like eternity. When I want to do it he usually find an excuse. I feel like a pervert who wants to rape him. I wanted to believe in him, but I can’t help suspecting that he’s hiding something from me. His phone rings a lot, but he never picks it up, just look at it then he disappears for some minutes. I’m sure he calls him back. Yeah I think he cheat on me and he suspects that I know it.

          Now we celebrate our 222th day as MXM so we do a vlive. Sitting in the park we play our only hyung and dongsaeng relationship. Suddenly he takes out a lie detector. I hate this machine. I still remember when it showed he lied when he chose me over Sewoon hyung. „We’re always honest and tell each other everything” he says doubtingly. „Yeah I tell you everything” I tell him decidedly. We start the game. My first question for him: „There’s a secret that Donghyun doesn’t know about those days.......Answer the question!” „...No...” he hesitates. I don’t need a detector, I’m sure he lies. „What is this nervousness?....Don’t hold it in!.....” I enjoy this game more than I thought I would. The machine it justifies me. It’s a lie. He has a secret. Now it’s his turn. „There’s something you were upset about but couldn’t tell me. Something that made you upset....” he says...yeah he suspects I know it. „No, I told you recently. We had a huge fight. My answer is no.” Of course, it’s a lie but I still try to prove the detector is wrong.

*

  
           Again....they flirt again in front of my eyes. He adjusts Sewoon’s in-ear. I just can’t control my facial expression. I don’t care who sees....it hurts so much. Why is he so kind towards him? I’m also here....just turn around and look at me......”Awwww!...How sweet.....I heard that they dated in the past. It seems they’ll restart their relationship.” „Yeah...I hope they look so good together.” As I’m listening to the chatter of our stuff in the background, I feel like somebody stabs a big knife into my heart and twists it. Sadness....and jealousy......I know I have to smile even though I would like to die...I’m an idol..It’s the only thing that was left for me. Just give me some minutes to collect myself......It’s just a sudden downpour.....it’ll pass soon....then the sun will shine again.


	3. Against the world

        I’m so depressed nowadays. Youngmin hyung went to shoot Photo People in Japan so I’m alone again...I need somebody to talk with, but nobody knows my secret....that’s to say...there’s someone......mum.....I miss her voice so much....I miss her to ask me how was my day. She’s that kind of mother who shows his love by cooking delicious foods for her children and telling kind words to them. It’s true she didn’t kiss and hug me as much as I needed, but she always protected and cherished me. That kind of woman is my mum. Sometimes I criticise her, but I can’t help loving her. She gave me my life and even though it’s hard nowaday, but it’s still beautiful at the same time. I’m really thankful for her. They say you can have many lovers, but you have only one mother.

           I dial her number. It rings for some long seconds, then she finally picks it up, but she doesn’t say anything. „Mum?.........I know you hear me.......I just want to tell you.......I miss you....” My tears start to fall. „....and I love you.....Please....forgive me.” She’s still in silence. Does she really hate me that much? I end the call and burst out crying bitterly. There’s everything in this crying, every painful memories, every repressed feelings and every unsaid secrets.....................No I need to stop........I have to force a smile, get dressed into stylish clothes and go to that damn fashion show. It’s an idol’s work, isn’t it? Hiding his suffering and being perfect all the time even though he’s far from perfect, because he’s just a human as everybody else, fallible and incomplete sometimes.

         I can’t stand it anymore.....I need answers. I would like Youngmin hyung to be with me, comfort me and say everything is okay. I decide to send him a message: „When you come home, we have to talk about our relationship.” Yes... we have to clarify this situation. I need to know whether he loves Sewoon or me. Maybe I’m just a forgettable character of some chapters in his story.

*

  
           Today is the day I’ll talk to Youngmin hyung. Luckily our manager is his girlfriend’s place so the whole dorm is ours. I hear as he opens the lock. „Welcome home.” I greet him giving him a peck on his lips when he enters. Maybe it’s our last kiss......He put down his bag, whereon my black name sticker is on the top. He seems irritated. „Did you have a good time in Japan?” I try to resolve the tension. He goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and as he usually does, he takes off his rings and leaves them on the sink. I look at him standing by the door. „No...it’s thanks to you I felt horrible.” he says bitterly. „Just let you know I also felt horrible...” I was in hell and he tells me he felt awful. „Why are you like this nowadays? You’re so scary every morning...If you were a girl, I would say you’re pregnant.” he laughs ironically and I decide to ignore his ridiculous remark. „Did I do something that made you upset?” His voice becomes soft and despairingly. „You ask me if you did something....Don’t tell me, you don’t know what you did.” I stare into his eyes. „No....I don’t know....tell me..” He pretends to be innocent. „You cheat on me with Sewoon hyung. You were together in the past and now you restarted your relationship.” I tell him, but why does it sound so absurd saying it out loud. „WHAT?! Who told you this?” He seems totally surprised. „Well...I heard...some girls ....talk about you two.” I falter looking at my feet. „Anyway no matter who said....You cheat on me.......Until you can’t have a horse, it’s enough a donkey to you.” I whisper and he starts laughing. „Kim Donghyun..” he comes to me. „Jealous Donkey......I love You.” He tells me smiling. He gives a peck on my lips then hugs me, but I don’t hug him back. „It’s not an answer...Do you cheat on me or not?” I ask. „Of course, nooooo....” he replys and pulls me closer. „But I saw you two hugging and you’re too nice to him.” I still resist to return his hug. „Yeah that time...he told me his mother was ill..” When he notice my worried expression, he adds: „ She had a surgery, but now she is okay.....So he was so sad then. I admit it was a dubious situation...but believe me there is nothing between us and we never dated...I just feel sorry for him. That’s all. When I said you’re the only one for me...I really meant it. When will you understand it?...I love only you, DongDongie.” he says gently. I feel he tells the truth so I hug him back finally. „Then what are you hiding? ...I know you have a secret.” I ask softly. „Well...I didn’t want to show you until our five months anniversary...but...” he stops hugging me and slowly pulls his T-shirt neck down. „I wanted to surprise you, Baby.” Now I know why he didn’t want to have sex with me.....There’s a tattoo on his left chest, over his heart. It’s our black rings interlocking and „Donghyun and Youngmin - Against the world” was written under it in English. I run my fingers lightly along it and my eyes become tearful. „I thought I wouldn’t forget this ring in the bathroom.” he laughs. I look into his eyes.....I want to say something...but I’m not able to talk. „You must be so touched, if you can’t find the words.” he rubs his nape. Suddenly I fold him in my arms as tight as I can. „You want to....choke me......Please .....don’t love me ....that much.” He whines and I loosen my grip. „I want the same tattoo.” I falter out finally. „It’ll hurt and last forever” He says seriously. „I don’t care....” I look him in the eye. „I want it...I want to be with you....only you.” I tell him. „No more secrets.” He adds and I nod. We stare at each other and I feel the trust between us now is unbreakable. I don’t have doubts anymore. I want to stay by his side forever. He’s my hero of this story. I hope my mother will also accept our relationship one day.

          He pulls me closer and his gaze tells me everything as if I read his mind. He wants to make love. I nod giving him a signal that I want it as much as him. He kisses me, then unbuttons my shirt and pulls down slowly. I help him to take off his T- shirt, then he hugs and kisses me again. Our naked chests meet and I can’t help shaking. We rub our dicks against each other. He grabs my butt and his hands go under the waistband of my trousers. „Come..” he whispers and makes me follow him to the sofa. We get rid of our pants. He sits down and I sit into his lap. Our hard members touch, I can’t help moving my hip. There’s countless kisses while he’s gripping my ass. He starts to loose and stretch out my hole with his long fingers slowly. „There...hmmm..” I moan when he finds my prostate.

             I like being bottom, when I topped girls I never felt this sensation. It’s something new I really enjoy, but I think it’s his merit. He always prepares me so gently and when something doesn’t good for me or it hurts I tell him to stop and he will stop immediately. That’s like a kind lover has to be. Now he is licking my adam's apple -I usually touch it a lot with my fingers, because it feels good- it seems he also noticed. He kisses and sucks my nipples, too while his fingers go deeper and deeper into my hole. He pampers me too much, too long time....If he doesn’t stop, I’ll cum sooner than I would like to. I grip the lube, that I prepared just in case things would turn out well between us, I give it to him. „Is it okay?” He asks and I nod. I just want to melt together with him finally. He stands up with me, I put my arms around his neck and he takes me to our room. „It’s more comfortable.” He smirks at me when he puts me down onto his bed. He’s on top of me and I spread my legs for him. When he slowly slides inside me , I can’t help moaning „So thick...hmmmm” I whine. I know I just need some minutes and it’ll be pleasurable. Until he waits for me patiently, he gives pecks onto my forehead, my eyelids, my cheeks and my lips and tells me how beautiful I am. The sudden pain goes away and I move my hip letting him know I’m ready. He starts to move at first slow then faster and faster, deeper and deeper. I notice as my plush toys fall down from my top bunk bed. An alpaca toy hits my head „Au..” Hyung’s and my eyes meet and we start laughing like crazy. „I told you to organize them.” He giggles. I pull him closer. „Now do you fuck or talk?” I ask smirking at him. He starts to move again, faster and faster. I run my fingers through his hair then grab his back and maybe leave some scratches with my nails, but he doesn’t stop me. „Hmmmm.....It feels so good...” I whisper when he slows down and thrusts deeper. „For me too....” He kisses my neck and sucks my earlobe. He speeds up again. These rhythmical thrusts push me nearer and nearer to my orgasm. I push him away and grip my dick to jerk off. „I ...cu..m......I c..u...” I feel as my asshole tighten around his dick as I’m cumming. It just takes a few seconds, but how fantastic seconds are these. As if I saw everything clearer. I really missed this feeling in the last two weeks......He pulls his dick out and rubs it a little then he cums onto my belly. He leans by me. I can feel his deep, warm breaths on my neck and his racing heart on my chest. My heart still goes pit-a-pat. It’s a so uplifting feeling to love somebody and being loved by someone. I only pay attention to our slowing heartbeats. His gentle kisses on my neck and cheeks bring me back to reality. „Shower!.... We have dance practice tomorrow.” He says and pulls me towards the bathroom.

               I know he will wash my back and caress me a little under the shower then he’ll hug me in his dream. I’m sure the sun will shine tomorrow again. Maybe there will be some clouds in the sky, but I’m not afraid of anything anymore because he’s with me........Maybe there’s....a exception.............„A cockroach!!!!” I scream and hide behind him. He catches it with a tissue and flushes it with the toilet. Wow...he’s so cool. I’ve just fallen for him again.


	4. Bounds

           We talked through everything and decided to tell our families and close friends the truth about us. We don’t want to hide our relationship in front of them. Maybe there’ll be some people who won’t stand by us, then they’re not true friends or they don’t love us enough. If you really love someone, you accept her/him as she/he is.

           We love our fans but we won’t share them our true story. Rhymer also suggested this solution, saying the world wasn’t ready for an openly homosexual k-pop duo. Despite our decision, my dear boyfriend always gives fans hints. Here’s the last incident. We wore the same brand T- shirts in different colors in that vlive and suddenly he started to touch his chest and I had already known what he was going to say. I turned away my head embarrassingly and tried to focus on my little plush toy and he asked: „Are we a couple?” It was more a statement then a question. When we glanced at each other, we couldn’t help laughing and I just couldn’t deny it...only scratch my nose and blurted out without thinking: „Couple” then changed the topic to cover up. I heard his whispering: „Couple.” So we would like to everybody knows we’re together, but we haven’t told them yet. Maybe one day we can confess our secret, but until that day it’s enough if people who are close to us know.

           So we start with my mother. We have a day off and Youngmin borrowed manager hyung’s car to take me home. As we’re getting closer and closer, I’m becoming more and more nervous. He grabs my left hand suddenly. „Everything will be okay.” He says glancing at me. „What if she didn’t let us in the house.” I ask despairingly. „Then we’ll wait outside until she opens the door.” He says decidedly and I nod. „Lean back and rest.” He tells me and helps me set my seat to more comfortable position. „Auuu...” I groan. „Does it hurt that much?” He asks gently. „Just sometimes...” I reply smiling, but he still seems so worried. I lean back and I’m just looking the passing landscape. Those dark clouds are in the sparkling blue sky again, but now he’s with me, so I feel safe. Nothing bad can happen if we’re together.

*

  
           „Baby....we’re here.” I hear Youngmin’s soft voice. It seems I’ve fallen asleep. I open my eyes and I see our house, I want to move but I feel like all strength has left my body. „Are you okay?” Youngmin asks. „Aha..” I don’t want him to worry. I have to collect myself. I need to talk with my mother. I get out of the car and start walking towards the house. I feel as hyung grabs my arm.....and I notice my mum by the door...... now she’s coming in my direction...... „Mum...I’m home...” I whisper as I hug her. Why am I this weak and tired....My legs give up.....„Good Heavens! He’s very hot...He must have a high fever.” I hear my mum scared voice and feel Youngmin’s arms around me.......steps.....door opening, closing..... something soft under me....then something cold on my forehead. „What did you do with him?!” She asks reproachingly. „I think...his tattoo is infected.” Hyung falters. „What?!...” She sounds like she can’t believe her ears. I feel as Youngmin unbuttons my shirt. „How could you get him to do this. You’re older than him....you should be clever....I will never forgive you if something happens to him.” Her voice is so firm. She’s like a tigress. „Mom...If you hurt.....him, you hurt....me too.” I whisper. „Donghyun.....I’ll take you to the hospital, okay?” I open my eyes and see hyung sad face as he’s kneeling beside the sofa. He strokes my cheek and I grab his hand. „Nooooo...I can’t go there....Our fans mustn’t know it.....Promise me! You won’t take me there.” I tell him and he nods despondently. He knows I’m right. „I call Dr. Jung, he’s so discrete....but if he says you have to go to the hospital...I’ll drag you there whether you want it or no......Take him to his room.” My mother gives the order and Youngmin obeys. He wants to carry me in his arms, but I resist. „I’m not a girl....I can wa-...” All of sudden the world become darker and darker in front of my eyes....I still hear as hyung shouts my name, then nothing but darkness.

*

  
             When I open my eyes the first thing I notice Youngmin’s head on my stomach and his hands around my body as he’s hugging me. He’s sleeping in a chair next to my bed. I’m sure mum didn’t let him lay by me. He must feel uncomfortable. I stroke his hair, that glitters in the sunlight, it’s so soft. I look at the sky....it’s so clear....there aren’t any clouds. „Finally you’re awake.” I hear his relieved voice. „Huuuu.....You really frightened us...You fainted and all night talked nonsense. The doctor gave you two injections to reduce your fever.” He gabbles. It seems he’s still in shock. „Now it’s okay....Look! I’m alive.” I tell him and put my hand on his cheek, he grabs and kisses it. „Thank God!....Your mum was right...I shouldn’t have let you did such dangerous thing.” He says guiltily. „ Now you are the one who talks nonsense...Don’t forget I’m not a child anymore...It was my decision...and you know me if I decide something, you won’t be able to talk me out of doing it.” I state crossing my hands on my chest. „Yeah...you’re as stubborn as a mule.” He says smiling. „A mule....I believed I was a donkey.” I play on words as always. „My stubborn, jealous donkey” Finally he’s laughing. He comes closer and kisses my forehead. „Hmm...hmmm....” I hear my mother’s voice from the door. I push Youngmin away and he sits down on the chair immediately. „The doctor prescribed antibiotic and steroid cream to your tattoo. He told me not to let you leave your bed for a few days.” She says holding a tray with a glass of water and my medicine. „But I need to go to Wanna One concert. I promised Daehwi and Woojin that I was going to be there.” I whine. „You should have thought of this before you had this tattoo done.” I hear the indignation in her voice. She puts down the tray onto my desk, turns us back and leaves the room. I know I need to talk to her. „Well it seems you have to go alone.” I tell Youngmin who is now playing with my fingers. „Nooooo....If you don’t go, I won’t go either. I won’t leave you here.” He says and he looks like a five years old child. „I’m in good hands and you have to go.....If their both parents can’t be there, at least their father will have to see them.” I laugh even though my heart hurts....I really wanted to meet them, but I need to stay at home. „And....I want to be alone with my mum and talk with her....Do you understand?” I ask and he nod. I think he also know it’s the best thing we can do now. He puts his head on my stomach again as he hugs me and I play with his hair until he falls asleep. He must be tired. I’m sure he stayed awake all night and took care of me. I notice how wrinkled his fingers are because of cold water and wet towels. Just rest hyung, now I’ll see after you. „Sweet dreams!” I whisper and stroke his cheek lightly.

*

            Youngmin went back to Seoul this morning. He said he was going to come back as soon as possible. I’ll use this time and talk with mum. I hear the sound of her footsteps as she’s nearer and nearer to my room. She stops at the door. I know it must be hard to her as much as me. She enters then comes to my bed and sits down. I think she doesn’t find the words so I start: „Mum....I’m sorry for everything I have done. I didn’t want to hurt.....” She hugs me suddenly. „You’re alive it’s the only thing that matters...” She almost chokes me. „You’re my son and you always will be.....Yes it surprised me. I never thought you were ga....” I don’t let her finish his sentence. She pulls away from the hug. „I love only him....he’s the first man for me. I didn’t like him like that from the beginning. I gradually started to like him, because he’s so kind.” I say and start smiling as I think of him. „Until you don’t have a child you don’t know what real love is. A parent’s love is over anything.....You know I just want you the best.” She stokes my cheek. Wow..We have so much skinship today. „He is the best for me.” I told her decidedly. „I know Dear, I know....I also thought your father is the best man for me and look what happened. He works all day just that he doesn’t have to be at home........ Please undersant me...I just worry about you. I don’t want anybody to hurt you.” It seems she isn’t against our relarionship. Youngmin hyung was right...She just need time. She stands up and about to leave my room, but I backhug her suddenly. „I love you...mum.” She doesn’t hold back her tears anymore. „Me too....forever.” She whispers and I also start crying. She doesn’t hate me.

            We calm down slowly then I let her go. „You’re right. He’s so nice and caring. Just who really loves you will look after you like he did last night. He wanted to do everything around you and told me to go to bed. These things prove his love to you. It sets my heart at rest....Yeah...but no more tattoos!” She says over her shoulder then leaves my room. Finally every clouds disappeared from our sky.

*

  
             I’m so bored....I’ve just noticed a new twitter update from Youngmin. „Hello! It’s your DJ Youngmin on this sweltering day! Does the mild, warm weather make you tired?! I recommend listening to piano melodies and gentle ballads to cool you off. Try K. Will sunbaenim’s ”I’ll be with you!” Have a nice rest.”* He’s also thinking about me. I look for the song and start listening to it.

  
„Someday I want to sit looking in your eyes  
telling stories of old days and smile  
It’s still awkward when we look at each other, though  
the stories I couldn’t tell for years

  
Why were we so tearful ?  
on happy days or on regrettable days  
the days I prepared for, the days we waited for  
We felt our passionate hearts  
couldn’t swallow, just shed tears together

  
Just like now,  
would you stay by my side ?  
I’m who cries for you,  
who laughs for you, and who lives for you  
would you keep an eye on me?  
With your heart intact by my side  
like the star in the sky  
always shine down upon my heart

Whenever I feel lonely and droop my heart  
your presence comforts my heart  
There are many people who shine in the world  
among them, there’s one you love  
that the person is makes me tremble with gratitude

Just like now,  
would you stay by my side?  
I’m who cries for you,  
who laughs for you, and who lives for you  
would you keep an eye on me?  
With your heart intact by my side  
like the star in the sky  
always shine down upon my heart

I know someday when time passes  
your heart might leave me” – (No...my heart will never leave you, Youngmin)  
„even when the day comes  
I will sing a song for you as always

Forever let me stand by your side  
with no shame, with no regrets  
I will sing for you  
just like now, stay with your heart intact  
Don’t you ever let me go  
so that I can stay by your side  
Would you stay by my side forever?” –(Yesssss...I’ll always be by your side.)

  
            I send a message to him with only one word: „Okayyy ;)” and he riplies: „What’s okay....I didn’t ask you to marry me :D :D” Okayyyyy.......he started.....I take a photo of my butt and send him with this caption: „Then you won’t get this....never again :) :D Have a nive day! Bye!” He teases the bad person.

*

  
            Two hours after the concert Youngmin appears in the door of my room. He totally surprised me I expected he was going to come tomorrow morning. I wear my old, one-piece minions pyjama that I got from my grandparents to my 18th birthday but I still fit into it. They still think I’m a baby....well in other way.....I’m a Baby. I giggle. „Wow.....Soooooo sexy.” I hear his voice. „Shut up.......You should have at least come with your hands full of food...” I say disappointedly. „Nope, there’s nothing like that....oh....I almost forgot.....” He comes closer and I look at him starry eyes. „I brought you dark chocolate.” He tells me and kisses me. Yeah...it’s better than any other sweets. „Hmm..hmm.” Noooo mum just not now. „Boys....The cake is done...come and eat it.” She says and I know I can’t do anything else but follow her into the kitchen. Youngmin lags behind then he runs after me and slaps my butt. „Mummy's boy.” He teases me again. „Yes...I like being one...because she bakes me a cake while my boyfriend doesn’t bring me anything, neither a candy nor a tiny bit of real chocolate.” I say bending my brows.

*

  
             After we ate almost the whole cake and he told everything about the concer, we’re the way back to my room. „Then you’re okay now, aren’t you?” He asks worried. It seems he tire of teasing me. „I have already said I’m fine. My tattoo isn’t red anymore and I don’t have a fever.” I calm him down. When I enter my room, I drop my teeth. There’re sweets on my bed...my favorite worm jellies...and others goodies. „How..” I can’t find the words. „It’s always fun to be in a team with me right?” he laughs. I ignore him and only pay attention to the candies. Which one should I eat first? All of sudden he picks up a bag of jelly worms and unwrap it. „Awww..my jellies..” I whine. „If you want it, take it.” He says and takes one between his lips. Well he wants to tease me more. There isn’t a camera so I don’t hesitate. I bite the half of the jelly then kiss him. Both of them are tasty but the dark chocolate is the winner.

             Sometimes hyung and I tease each other like little boys when they first fall in love, sometimes we fight because we’re not perfect and sometimes we just stare into each other’s eyes feeling we’re one. It’s our life.

Closing line: Love is like a jelly worm....you can push and pull...it happens that it grows thin and maybe breaks away.....but it’s still so sweet.

Happy Ending :)

 

*Youngmin’s real twitter update translation credit: @daehwi_ko


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